When You’re Out of Schlitz
When You’re Out of Schlitz
They have officially placed the yeast on hiatus,
a term previously reserved for exhausted child stars
and caught-on-mic morning show hosts.
Now, it is gracefully applied to a twelve-ounce can
that tastes predominantly of 1974 and bowling shoe rentals.
The pivot was, naturally, data-driven:
a team of strategists, hydrating from metric-tracked canisters,
determined the legacy yield
could no longer justify the literal cost of moving heavy water.
It is nearly impossible to argue with a spreadsheet
that has been industrially brewed for optimal uptake.
So the fermentation tanks are quietly drained,
the hops offered a highly competitive severance package.
It isn’t an execution, the press release insists,
just a strategic realignment.
Perhaps in a decade, it will be exhumed
in a slim, matte-finish can
and rebranded as a premium heritage artifact
for zip codes that treat mechanized exhaustion
as a high-end aesthetic.
Until then, we must manage the quiet loss
of this reliably unglamorous volume.
We will simply have to find another way
to anchor our generational thirst
in an increasingly incorporated evening of leisure.
(poem is based on today’s announcement by Pabst Brewing Company that it is discontinuing the beer that made Milwaukee famous.) (https://www.foxbusiness.com/lifestyle/one-americas-oldest-beer-brands-discontinued-after-177-years-us)
