Zumwalt Poems Online

Posts tagged ‘humor’

The Sassoon Collection: v. Auto Tunes

The Sassoon Collection

v. Auto Tunes

I keep such music in my car
No din this side of death can quell;
Deep bass booming over tar,
And excess forged in death-metal hell.

My dreaming demons will not hear
The roar of guns that would destroy
My life that no gleeful gloom can fear
Proud-surging passages of painful joy.

To the world’s end I drove, and found
Death in his carnival of hidden stash;
But in this torrent I was drowned,
And music screeched above
the fiendishly beatific
headlight-lit
fiber-glass,
glittering, splintering,
metalliferous crash.

— Zumwalt (2011)

WordPress Sampler (choiceposts.wordpress.com)

In visiting various WordPress sites, I am enormously impressed by the diversity and general quality of content out there. It is a particular pleasure to read so many original and colorful poems.

After spending some additional time quietly but rapidly exploring (no posts, no likes, etc.) it seemed that it would be nice if there was a “sampler” available of the best posts of the various WordPress sites. I found pages like WordPress’s own Blogs of the Day and various “Best Blog” sites, but I couldn’t find any true sampler blogs. I have decided to launch a WordPress blog dedicated to showcasing the very best post of anyone interested in participating.

The approach is, at least on the surface, pretty simple.

Anyone interested choses exactly one post from their site they wish to have represented on the new CHOICE POSTS  blog. They may chose the post they think is their best, that their readers like the best, that best represents the nature of their blog, etc.

They then email the HTML, Text and any associated images of their representative post to choiceposts@gmail.com plus the link for that post plus four additional links and associated names of four other posts they would like to have referenced. This allows the site administrator to re-assemble this post to match (or at least be similar to) what is on the original site.

It is very important that the Category of the Post is specified such as one of the categories found on the WordPress Tag Page. This will allow readers of CHOICE POSTS to easily browse along their lines of interest and help match readers to blog sites.

In addition, author should submit any additional information they wish to be included about their site and/or themselves which will be included in the post. Author name (real or not real) can also be included. For example, after administration team assembles information provided on email, the resulting post in choiceposts.wordpress.com could look something like:

Poet_Don’t_Knowit is the author of the site “POETRY ON THE RUN”

Poem of the Approaching Autumn (Link1)

I love fall
It whispers in my ear
Like paint drying.

Additional Posts from “POETRY ON THE RUN”
 Poem of Spring (Link2)
 Poem of Winter (Link3)
 Poem of Summer (Link4)
 Poem of Fall (Link5)

[Category: Poems]

(Added 9/26: For very understandable reasons, some participants may wish to just provide link of their “best post” since the look of their site is different than what is at choiceposts.wordpress.com. In this case they just need to provide introductory text about their site and/or themselves and the link of the “best post” and up to four other links to other posts on their WordPress site.)

The CHOICE POSTS admin team will initially post a few of these a week, pretty much trying to post in the order of submissions received until a backlog develops. At that point, some process will be used to select only a portion of the posts submitted — either random selection, selection based on quality, variety and other characteristics or a hybrid approach.

Someone who has had a entry posted on CHOICE POSTS may later feel they wish another post to represent their site. If this happens, and enough time has passed (six months), then they can email a new submission for posting to CHOICE POSTS, indicating whether they want the earlier submission kept or deleted.

All posts and links must be from WordPress sites.  Some constraint is needed and this just makes administratipon easier.  The universe of WordPress itself  is pretty big and way too big for this one project.  In addition, I feel some loyality to WordPress from the short time (3 months) that I have been here.  I like the ease of use, the ability to connect to other users, the sense of community and the flexibility and convenience.

Submitted content should be suited for general audiences with the CHOICE POSTS Admin Team selecting Posts they think acceptable for a “G” or “PG” audience.

Speaking of ratings, please do not rate this post since the “star” ratings are automatically leveraged to identify the best liked poems on the site.

I will leave this post here for a few days before posting the next Zumwalt Poem. Since I will put a similar post out on the CHOICE POSTS  blog, I may delete the version of the post here once enough people have read it.

I want to take a moment to thank all that visit this site, particularly those that take the time to comment, “like” or rate the various Zumwalt poems. It is a pleasure for me to posts these poems, and an even greater pleasure to know that others can read, are reading them and, in many cases, enjoying them.

Best,

zumpoems.com Administrator

Something Bad

Something Bad

Something bad is coming
Worse than any Grand Funk Railroad Reunion Concert
Worse than watching a full episode of Meet the Kardashians
With all commercials included.

I not only have read about it
I can feel it
So much more bothersome than
Hay fever in May.

It’s the Universal Fender Bender
Havoc beyond compare
It’s Universal Affliction and Ruination
Heavyweight and high-profile kind of stuff.

This universe is dumb
So much stupider than the armadillos that get hit by my little Fiat
This universe is worse than any teen age driver
Not watching where it goes
Or what is coming down the road.

Ten to the ten to the ten to the ten and more universes out there
Outnumbering all the cable channels both regular and High Def
More numerous than all the cockroaches in all the cities on the East Coast
Going any which way they please
Not planning ahead
Or working with the AAA or the highway safety department

More universes than every single observation ever made by every single person
More than every single argument between all the married couples
In all countries
On all existing planets
In all existing galaxies.

Each time you think of a possible universe, it exists!
Unless we all stop thinking there will be more and more and more.

Each universe moving
Some fast
Some even faster
Some inches apart from each other
Concealed behind some hidden dimension
About to turn the corner at full speed.

There’s a collision
A crash
About to occur
Every universe distracted
As if they are texting away
Following their own set of laws
Without regard for any right of way.

There’s a smash-up coming up
Sooner than later
One universe piles into another
With one of those universes being ours in particular
The one that I live in.

I am scared
I know that adding a shoulder harness to my office chair
is not going to be enough.

I am terrified
I cannot figure out
as I make my last will and testament
who I can leave the house and dog to.

Today, tomorrow or maybe later
It is sure to happen
All my plans for no purpose
All my purposes to no point
I panic
Abandoning all my activities
Crawling into the attic
Taking a pen
A flashlight
And a notebook
And wondering
If there is any new thought
I can have that might make this all better
Without creating
One more
Damn reckless
Out-of-control
universe.

–Zumwalt (2011)

(True, haiku guru: all through!)

Why can it not last?
You’re like a rhyming haiku:
Too much, much too fast.

— Zumwalt (2011)

EDITORS NOTE: This particular short poem, received from Zumwalt last night via email, seems to have meaning at multiple levels, as one would expect. This quasi-haiku could be about one’s lifespan, the duration of a relationship, possibly the duration of a passionate encounter, or very possibly, due to Zumwalt’s interest in physics, about the relatively short life of a super-massive star, the brief duration of artificial atomic elements (like ununoctium which has a half life of less than a thousandth of a second) or the very brief duration of a subatomic particle (the Xi-sub-b referred to in “science delivers” lasts less than a billionth of a second.)

All that said, it seems the poem has some literal meaning, also. Zumwalt subscribed to an automated feed from a haiku blog. Soon Zumwalt was receiving one low quality haiku after another, each apparently written rather hastily. The final straw, it seems, was when Zumwalt received a rhyming haiku. This poem, along with Zumwalt “un-subscribing” to the automated haiku feed, was the result.

science delivers

science delivers

Some order off the menu
I fancy what I can fancy;

I imagine whatever I imagine
And science delivers.

Give me a
continually brined,
triple-hearted,
blue-blooded,
color-changing,
golden-pink,
cerulean-ringed
octopus
with drops of venom on the side
just enough to kill a full-grown gorilla.

Then I’ll try a portion of nearly translucent,
high-altitude,
streaky,
wispy,
cirrus clouds
made of hexagonal prismic plate crystals
converting sunlight
into a dazzling fire rainbow.

Follow that with hundreds of hyper-velocity stars
spit from the galaxy’s center,
millions of years ago
moving more than a million miles an hour
careening through a galaxy
that is held together by
cosmically-aged cold dark matter.

Top it all off with
various flavors of increasingly attractive quarks and anti-quarks:
up,
down,
charm,
strange,
top and
bottom
with various
spins,
color charges (red, green, blue),
masses,
and electric charge
assembled in
various palatable forms
from simple, garden variety protons and neutrons
to Sigma-sub-bees and Xi-sub-bees
to highly anticipated anti-matter anti-hypertritons.

Yep!,
I imagine what I imagine
and it’s just a matter of time
before science delivers.

What cannot be imagined
will not be.
What cannot be,
will not be imagined.

No price is too high
No wait is too long,
but clearly
being on good terms
with the head chef
ensures
some notable advantage.

-Zumwalt (2011)

In contest with a hippopotamus

In contest with a hippopotamus

me and the hippo
race
to lose weight
at such a frantic yet erratic pace

me and the frutifly vie
to try to not age
to postpone the next stage
to delay each and every turn of every single page

Hey babe! What? I’m staying away from the eggs.
And the butter.
So don’t stay away from me.

Hey boy! Look — I am not old.
I expect to send tingles down your spine,
not receive a courteous nod like you’d give to your great grandmother
several years after she’s been buried.

Gee.

This dog I have smells.
No bath rids the odor.
No change of diet freshens the breath.
The only remaining option is to the change the dog
for I am getting tired of changing the carpet.

me and the sunset
will meet again
at some appointed time
until then I compete against the shadow it causes the body to cast
seeking any remaining light while vanishing in the darkness

— Zumwalt (May 1991)